Alzheimer's, It Giveth and Taketh Away

There are two women in my life who's strength, patience and love are something I wish I could emulate. I try, but they are a tough act to follow.

Aunt Nancy, Marilyn and my mom

While there are a lot of reasons to admire them, it has been their ability to remain calm, in the face of a loved one with Alzheimer's, that leaves me speechless. And not just with one person, but two. So while the disease robbed one, and is now robbing another, loved one of their memories, it has given me two women who have taught (and continue to teach) me a great deal.

Marilyn
In 1975 my grandfather remarried after my grandmother passed away. I wasn't sure how I felt about it at the time. I worshiped my grandmother and, as the oldest grandchild, always sensed I occupied a special place in her heart. But I love Marilyn, she had been a part of the family for as long as I could remember, and she loved my grandfather. Of that I have no doubt. What should have then been years of them growing old together, became years of Marilyn dealing with my grandpa's decent into Alzheimer's, devoted to him until the end. And while, in the beginning I wasn't ready to let someone else fill my grandmother's shoes, I have always felt that my grandfather and our family were blessed to have Marilyn be a part of it then, and now.

Aunt Nancy
My mom and my aunt, both widowed, decided to sell their individual houses and jointly build one in 2003. They were living alone, I was 300 miles away. The grand plan was for them to travel, quilt, craft, entertain and enjoy keeping each other company. In 2006 it was becoming obvious that my mom was losing her short term memory. She told people she'd had mini strokes. The sad reality? CAT scans showed there were no strokes ... dementia was setting in. And my aunt slowly became less of a companion to my mom, and more of a caregiver. I've watched her, over the past few years, trying everything she could to keep a sense of normality as well as slow the process that was ravaging my mom's brain. All this while her sons began families and her dream of becoming a grandmother came true.

I don't know how she did it. I really don't. I've spent weeks with my mom while my aunt traveled. It wore me out.  More mentally and emotionally than physically, although I'm not going to say there wasn't a physical response to the mental and emotional strain.  And that was only one week at a time, or a few days here and there. But otherwise, I could be in my remote bubble, 300 miles south, and not focus on what was happening with my mom.

Until now.

Recently I moved my mom closer to me. To a facility where she is comfortable and well taken care of. I did it so I could see her more. I did it so my aunt could focus on her five grandchildren (number six is on the way) and herself. I did it so I wouldn't feel as powerless as my mom slipped further and further into the past. But unlike Marilyn and Aunt Nancy, I have the 'luxury' of knowing that a skilled staff is caring for my mom between my visits.

So there you have it - four women, all affected by Alzheimer's, although only three of us remember. A husband, father, grandfather, and now a sister, dear friend and mother. I look at my aunt and Marilyn and use them as a model when I think I can't cope with my mom.

Someday, I hope to have the patience and strength they've shown. But that's a tall order and I have a long way to go. In the meantime, they get filed in the box, in my brain, labeled "Heroes."